Massacre at Central High(1976)

A vengeful psychotic or a high school punching bag’s wet dream? Despite how dastardly an act a slaughtering of fellow students is, we must always remember there are two sides to every story. Many of us have been in the position of the abused, and have, at one point or another, thought those very same things. Thankfully, many of us won’t carry out those type of thoughts. That’s what movies are for. Especially badly-acted, 42^nd st classics like Massacre at Central High. Who needs to get 25 to Life when you can watch uber-bullies get the shaft on the big screen. Well, in my case, a 24-inch television.

David is the new kid in town. He likes to run on the beach and oogle his best friend’s girl. He is also surprisingly violent, especially towards the group of thugs who run the school like Abu Ghraib. After spoiling an attempted gang rape, and beating the Jr. Hitler Society senseless, David is viewed in a more positive light by the weakerthans who make up the majority of central High’s student body. Although there appears to be a new sherriff in town, Das Bullies aren’t gonna hand over the championship belt that easily. After David receives a damaging visit from the former kings, things take a nasty turn. See, David likes to run, and it’s hard to run when your leg has been crushed by a classic American car. Since David can’t run anymore, he is going to have to find another hobby. Guess what that is?

After a few deaths that come in the form of unfortunate accidents, it would seem that Central High is bully-free and a much happier place. That doesn’t keep for very long. Apparently nerds need discipline and guidance, or things get out of line. Instead of one, now several factions want control of the school, and they all think david is the guy to help them acheive there goals. But he doesn’t quite see eye-to-eye with the nerds-turned-powermongers, and things start to get ugly again.

I love underdog films, and it makes it that much better when there is over-the-top violence involved. I also love grindhouse films from the 70’s. As bad as the acting was, and as ludicrous the situations were, I still enjoyed myself. Completely unrealistic, but that is one of the things that makes it entertaining. Seriously, are 3 guys really going to make that much of an impact on a standard sized high school? Why does the student lounge look like a Victorian reading room? How the fuck does Robert Carradine’s (of revenge of the Nerds fame) character end up in a tented threesome with 2 hotties? Completely unrealistic I tell you.

Despite it being grindhouse, the movie actually did the trailer justice, which is usually not the case. It has naked girls, explosions, and a hang glider accident. Seriously, what else do you need a Wednesday night by yourself with some Yuengling bombers. It made a great evening. The film even has the overplayed wear-and-tear, and that by itself is something to write home about. I recommend Massacre for those fans of the sticky theater classics.

My Bloody Valentine(1981)

Everybody knows that you can't expect much from a slasher film. People fuck, run, scream, and die in a manner most grizzly. Real simple shit. So you ask, "How can you fuck up such a simple formula?". I don't know, but apparently the Canadian assholes who made this piece-of-shit did. There is a lot I shit I could say about this movie, but I don't want to rehash bad memories. I can't even believe Hollywood thought this disaster-piece was worth re-making. Apparently the film industry will hire any schmuck off the streets these day.

This is the story of a Canadian bumfuck mining town that has a history of murders related to one of the most god awful holidays. Because of this, they haven't had a Valentine's dance in 20 years because of a written warning from a psychotic ex-miner. When the locals feel that enough time has passed for the threat to cease, they decide to bring back the tradition. Not knowing that bringing back the tradition will also bring back a body count.

Sound interesting? Well it's not. For on, the body count consists of zero teenage content. What kind of a slasher flick has no teenagers being slaughtered? Most of the victims are young, redneck miners who apparently still act like teens. Not realistic and here's why. If you are going to spend your whole life in a shithole mining town, why would you not be married to your high school fuck by the age of 19? People like that don't stay swinging single. The leave school, get married, have crotch-fruit, and balloon from apathy towards their shitty life. Not realistic at all.

Then we get to the music. What kind of a fuckin' horror movie has trucker country for the soundtrack? This one does. Horror movies should have creepy, italian synth scores or metal, at least some fuckin' rock. Not fuckin' country, especially bad country.

The gore wasn't even that cool. Substandard bullshit. This movie couldn't even scare a child with sleep terrors. Apparently there is an added 3 minutes of never-before-seen material in the recent DVD re-release. Who gives a fuck! That would have been an extra 3 minutes of life I could have been wasting away doing something more interesting, like cleaning my balls with a brillo pad.

Don't watch this movie unless you enjoy making fun of the way canucks speak. Even if you do, there are way more redeeming things to watch like DeGrassi High.

Now let's see if I can sit through the re-make. All this for some fuckin' 3-D glasses.

New banner

That's right, not just a new banner, this things finally got a fuckin' banner. The heat is finally back on, so I've spent the majority of this post-job evening working on the damn thing. I went through loads of images and experimented via photoshop. After spending hours manipulating images I realized I could use a little more experience with the newer photoshop (I haven't used it since 7). I wouldn't say this banner is permanent, but it will work for the time being. Knowing the way I change my fuckin' mind, it's probably going to be different within a week.

If your not familiar with the image, let me tell ya a little bit about it. It's from one of my favorite Shaw Brothers flicks of all time, Five Elements Ninja. Directed by Chang Cheh, this is one of the bloddiest and fun of the Chinese-style Ninja flicks I have ever laid eyes upon. The scene from the banner is of one of 2 brothers getting slaughtered by the element gold ninja. I first rented this movie back in the early 90's and it has forever been ingrained in my psyche. If I remember correctly, I rented this and 5 Deadly Venoms in the same night, which is one of my top movies of all time. All I can say is I probably felt as if I was touched by god that night, or something close to it......like sober sex.

Anyhoo, if you like the banner or not, leave a comment about it. If you love 5 Elements Ninja or 5 Deadly Venoms, leave a comment. If you don't like any of the 2 movies mentioned, you might as well have "beat me senseless" tattoed on your forehead.

I have heat now. So I am going to relax with a movie for the first time in days.

toodles.

A couple days

I haven't been doing a very good job of updating over the last couple of days due to not being at home very often. My apartment is cold. So cold I don't really want to be there because it feels like a dead space. I have plenty of movies to watch, but would rather watched them in complete comfort. I don't understand why the building super can't seem to get the heating right. I've complained three times over the last couple of weeks, and I don't want to be a problem tenant. It usually gets taken care of pretty quickly, and then it's amazingly hot. i don't mind it being hot, but apparently others in the building do, and then the thermostat gets turned down. It's starting to become a real pain in the ass.

So may be I'll get a chance to watch something tonight after I go see Skeletonwitch. We'll see.

3-D..movies in stereo,yo

So in preparation for going to see Hollywood's latest possible butchery of a horror classic, My Bloody Valentine 3-D, I'm going to watch the original in the next couple of days. I've never actually watched it mind you, but I might as well to be one of those bitchy movie critics who slam Hollywood remakes every chance they get. It's the fashionable thing to do. The reality of my wanting to see the movie has nothing to do with it being a remake, I just want the glasses.

That's right,3-D glasses


There are a ton of 3-D movies I am obsessed with seeing, but don't have the glasses to view the flicks properly. Did you know that there is actually 3-D softcore? Blonde Emmanuelle. Or a second part to Creature from the Black Lagoon? Revenge of the Creature. Movies I didn't realize even existed are available for my multi-dimensional viewing pleasure.

Yes. It is indeed a new cinema obsession. Like everything else I obsess over, it's probably only going to last a few weeks. But until that time, bring on the red and blue!

Hells Angels on Wheels(1967)

Jack Nicholson will always look the same, despite how young he was over 40 years ago. Even in Hells Angels on Wheels he looks like a middle aged man, despite being in his 20's. I'm not the biggest fan of Jack, but he does do a helluva good job of playing himself. Give Christian Slater a couple of years, and he'll be just as good at playing Jack Nicholson.

Apparently Sonny Barger once told the media, that this movie is the most accurate portrayal of the Hell's Angel's ever to come out of Hollywood. I can believe that statement when it comes down to the partying, fights, and weekend rides. But I have a hard time believing in the complete disregard for life. Yes, motorcycle clubs tend run on the other side of the law, but not to the point where the death of an old man is shrugged off. Give me a break.

All in all, I enjoyed watching this movie. Jack Nicholson plays the Poet, a wayward youngster who becomes a pledge for the Angels. He likes to "scramble" and defend the brothers, and they see that as a desirable trait. What is not seen as desirable is Poet's affection for Shill, who just happens to be Buddy's(the Sonny Barger character) whenever-he-wants fucktoy. The story isn't all that deep, and the music isn't that great, but Jack plays Jack and that's what the people want. I also felt that it was filmed really well and the fight and riding sequences were really fun.

From other reviews I've read, this is supposed to be one of the best biker movie to come out of the 60's. I will have to decide that for myself, since I haven't seen a whole lot of biker movies. Next stop on the leather n' Harley express, Werewolves on Wheels.

Streets of Fire

So early this morning in between drunkiness and not being able to sleep I decided to watch a blast from the past, Streets of Fire. Anyone who watched lots of HBO during the early 80's, as I did, has probably seen this movie at least 3 times. A self-described "rock n roll fable", SOF is supposed to be the perfect fusion of JD movie,rock n' roll, and 80's glamour rolled into one. To me it was less perfect than I remember it being when I was pre-pubescent. What did I know back then, I also used to wear a Michael Jackson "thriller"-style jacket. I was pretty dumb. I did get a kick out of watching this when the drunk was still on during the first 20 minutes. But then I passed out, woke up and watched the rest, and wasn't as impressed.

The idea of the movie is pretty cool, but the director should have remembered when you hire relative unknowns, you are not dealing with the most quality acting. Which I don't really mind so much, I worship Bruce Campbell. The most atrocious part of this movie were two of the performed songs, which were written by the same piece of shit who wrote for Meatloaf. So the songs sound like Bat Out Of Hell but with a female vocalist, give me a fucking break. I hate Meatloaf so much, I would rather see him get typecast as a retarded fat man in every movie Hollywood releases than see him put out another album. Fuckin' scumbag.

Redeeming qualities in the movie:

*Bill Paxton's pompadour and chipped tooth,he also got his ass beat by a girl
*a performance by the Blasters
*rad ass pickaxe fight
*hot rods and greasers
*Willem Dafoe playing an asshole, there really are no other roles for him

Ohter than that, I recommend this movie while drunk or if you are one of those sad sods who actually enjoys Meatloaf. And if you are, GO FUCK YOURSELF!

peace.......

Shogun Assassin

Just to give you an idea of how awesome Lone Wolf and Cub movies are, I've posted up the trailer for Shogun Assassin, a 1980 release that was made up of bits and pieces from the first 2 movies to cater to an american grindhouse audience. Apparently, only the most violent and brutal scenes were used for this edition and it was banned in the UK for being too brutal. I don't know if I want to see shogun assassin, since I have the movies that it was created from. Regardless, check out the trailer and experience the awesomeness that is Lone Wolf and Cub.

First Friday at home in a loooong ass time..

I realize that most of the people I associate find the idea of New Years resolutions complete and utter bullshit, but a great deal of us still make them in secret. Hell, I'll be the first person to tell you that they only work for me for so long, but I still make the attempt. One of the promises I made to myself as soon as 2009 started was to stop going out to the bar so much. i have other hobbies that I should really be focusing on rather than looking down into an empty can of PBR wondering why it's 2 AM and I'm still sitting on a bar stool. I have plenty of movies to watch, and plenty of time to do it. And, truth be told, it's a helluva lot cheaper and less dangerous to my health. Yes, I am single and there really aren't members of the opposite sex randomly popping in my room for a drink, but based on the last couple of times I've met girls in bars, I am pretty close to saying "all set wit dat".

To get back to the reason I created this blog..movies. Last night I watched several in between naps and interwebby addiction. Let me go down the list with a brief summary for each.

Garo: hyper midnight action drama. Pretty much live action anime. From what I've read, this was actually a televsion series in Japan aimed towards a young adult crowd. I would hope so, considering the special I saw was full of death, blood, and sexual innuendo. Not that I'm trying to sound like a crabby old man, but young people should only be seeing this behind there parent's back. Modern-day super knights fighting demons. I can't believe they even brought out the Final Fantasy-style giant sword. It was quite amazing. The CGI wasn't exactly cutting edge, but when you mix it with the wire-fu and wholesale slaughter, it's a fuckin' blast.

Black Samson: I'm a huge fan of blaxploitation. Give me something with Pam Grier or Fred Williamson any day and you will see a very happy man. This movie didn't make me that happy. This was one of those many of cheaply made movies where the neighborhood hero spends the entire time pushing out the racist, mafia honkeys trying to take control of the black community by pushing junk in and harassing local business. Black Gestapo was much more entertaining and followed the same basic premise. Although Samson did have a pet lion and a bad ass staff, I new how the story was going to end. It is worth watching all through, especially during the ending action sequences.

Rock All Night: It's no secret I love Roger Corman's movies. Especially those starring Dick Miller. In this 1957 classic, Dick Miller plays a small fry with a napolean complex the size of mainland China. While hanging out in his local rock bar, he steps on the toes of most of the patrons coming in, even the gun-weilding killers who take the bar hostage midway through the movie. Even though Corman was the master of the low budget movie, this, and many others, has a good story and fun dialogue, at least from Dick Millers character. Plus performances from the Platters and the Blockbusters.

Lone Wolf and Cub:Sword of Vengeance:The coup de grace of my evening. I love japanese cinema, bar none. Especially the early seventies shit with all kinds of katana-play ending in decapitations and other dismemberments on a lager-than-life scale. When I get into to watching a Pinky Violence movie, and other exploitation from this era, you can be sure I'm not getting up, even for a piss break. this is the first installment of several movies based on the early manga comic of the same name. The former executioner for the Tokagawa Shogunate, now ronin samurai, travels the countryside pushing a baby carriage carrying his motherless child and taking jobs that require his expertise unitl the day he can avenge his family. Fairly basic revenge shit, like any good martial arts movie, with great direction,camera work and effects for the time. Iw ill be getting more into this series of movies over the next couple of days, since I plan on watching them all by next week. What a great end to the evening, I tell you.

Yeah 2009

Happy New Year! I've been waiting for this for months, and now that it's come, i feel like a huge weight was lifted off my chest. I keep telling myself,"in 2009, Steve is gonna shine". Uber-cheeze I know, but everybody needs a new mantra every so often to freshen things up.

I haven't yet started the movie watching today, but I can guarantee it's going to consume a great part of my afternoon and evening. I currently have a super-weird,rubbersuit-infested anime-style live action in my dvd player that I am dying to finish. I started watching Garo last night and was completely amazed by the action scenes and special effect with what little I saw. Not saying that the cg and rubber suits were completley realistic. Quite the contrary. It looks like over-the-top trash that is one of those many qualities that make japanese cinema so entertaining. Garo was apparently a series and this is a two-part made for tv movie. I'm not quite sure, but I'll be sure to write more about it later on today.

I'm most likely going to add the blaxploitation classic Black Samson to my daily routine. I haven't seen a good blaxploitation movie in weeks, and i've been in the mood, especially after listening to Wu-tang for a good part of the morning. besides, this one has lions. I love movies with wild animals in urban environments. Really, how bad can it be.

Latez.