Wednesday, January 14, 2009

My Bloody Valentine(1981)

Everybody knows that you can't expect much from a slasher film. People fuck, run, scream, and die in a manner most grizzly. Real simple shit. So you ask, "How can you fuck up such a simple formula?". I don't know, but apparently the Canadian assholes who made this piece-of-shit did. There is a lot I shit I could say about this movie, but I don't want to rehash bad memories. I can't even believe Hollywood thought this disaster-piece was worth re-making. Apparently the film industry will hire any schmuck off the streets these day.

This is the story of a Canadian bumfuck mining town that has a history of murders related to one of the most god awful holidays. Because of this, they haven't had a Valentine's dance in 20 years because of a written warning from a psychotic ex-miner. When the locals feel that enough time has passed for the threat to cease, they decide to bring back the tradition. Not knowing that bringing back the tradition will also bring back a body count.

Sound interesting? Well it's not. For on, the body count consists of zero teenage content. What kind of a slasher flick has no teenagers being slaughtered? Most of the victims are young, redneck miners who apparently still act like teens. Not realistic and here's why. If you are going to spend your whole life in a shithole mining town, why would you not be married to your high school fuck by the age of 19? People like that don't stay swinging single. The leave school, get married, have crotch-fruit, and balloon from apathy towards their shitty life. Not realistic at all.

Then we get to the music. What kind of a fuckin' horror movie has trucker country for the soundtrack? This one does. Horror movies should have creepy, italian synth scores or metal, at least some fuckin' rock. Not fuckin' country, especially bad country.

The gore wasn't even that cool. Substandard bullshit. This movie couldn't even scare a child with sleep terrors. Apparently there is an added 3 minutes of never-before-seen material in the recent DVD re-release. Who gives a fuck! That would have been an extra 3 minutes of life I could have been wasting away doing something more interesting, like cleaning my balls with a brillo pad.

Don't watch this movie unless you enjoy making fun of the way canucks speak. Even if you do, there are way more redeeming things to watch like DeGrassi High.

Now let's see if I can sit through the re-make. All this for some fuckin' 3-D glasses.


  1. OMG, I practically just pissed my pants. Well, now I know to stay away. Maybe Amercia thought it was so bad they couldn't possibly ruin ANOTHER remake so 1 up for us! Anything we come up with HAS GOT to be better or at least we can only hope, right?

  2. We can hope. hopefully the remake won't make me violently vomit and shit at the same time like this one almost made me do.

  3. Told ya it sucked.

    The only thing I take issue with in your review is whether or not the movie should be remade: this is exactly the kind of movie that screams for a remake. My problem with the remake machine is that most of them are unnecessary: the original, being a genre classic, need not be fucked with. In this case, the original is only slightly preferably to being sodomized with a railroad spike, so a remake is entirely appropriate. After all, they couldn't possibly fuck up a simple concept as badly as the original film, could they?

  4. i don't know if it screams remake, but some movies should just be left to die in obscurity like a heroin-addled poet.

  5. If redone, it could at least be made entertaining. The only time I've ever found this movie even remotely fun was when it was playing at Duff's with the sound off. At that point, one improper element was fixed: it had a killer soundtrack due to the juke...I also had a head full of whiskey and I was surrounded by other drunks with a fondness for heckling bad movies. That could explain the smile I had on my face at the time.