Friday, January 28, 2011

It's Always Casual With The Wild Life (1984)

Sometimes movies from the 80's go under my radar and I don't know how the fuck it happens. Especially when it's an 80's teen romp. Especially when it's written by Cameron Crowe, the genius behind Fast Times At Ridgemont High, which happens to be one of my favorite movies of all time. Whe I first discovered The Wild Life(1984) a few weeks ago, all I could I could do was feel confused and ask myself "how?". How did I miss a movie starring Christopher Penn, Eric Stoltz, and Lea Thompson? Regardless of how it happened, it was obvious that I needed to procure a copy ASAP. Typically I sit on new movies for at least a couple of days, but The Wild Life was in the DVD player immediately.

The Wild Life takes place somewhere in SoCal. Not surprising since Hollywood seemed to think American teens weren't cool unless they were in the LA Metro area. Eric Stoltz plays Bill Conrad, a recent graduate and bowling alley employee who is about to enter adulthood by moving into his own apartment. Unfortunately, Bill gets dicked out of an affordable apartment and is conned by the scumbag landlord into taking a place a bit out of his ball-shining price range. So bill takes on his coworker Tom, played by Chris Penn, as a roomie. Whereas Bill is pretty straight-laced and eager to jump into adult responsibility, Tom is pretty much the polar opposite. Tom likes to spend his time being as irresponsible as possible. If he's not smoking weed and getting kicked out of strip clubs, he's constantly harassing his girlfriend at work. Not exactly prime roommate material. If Bill is not stressing out about his apartment situation, he has to worry about his little brother, Jim, who is a bit of a weirdo. Not like a nerdy sort of weirdo either. Jim is more of the Columbine type. He has a shellshocked, junky vet(Randy Quaid) for a best friend and likes to glamorize 'Nam and act like a psychopath. Throw in an ex-girfriend(Lea Thompson)who maintains a worksex relationship with a sleazy cop and it looks like Bill's idea of adulthood might be a little to much for him.

As with most of these 80's comedy gems, sex and partying are supposed to play a major role throughout the movie. Unlike most movies of this genre and period, there is actually a considerable amount of character development, much like Fast Times. Unlike Fast Times, fun and character development was all of what The Wild Life had. Fast Times dealt with a fair amount of social issues, like abortion and teenage awkwardness to counter the "party time" atmosphere of fun. Wild Life was pretty much all fun. Some of the commentators on IMDB might think a lack of seriousness makes for a better movie, but i would have to disagree. If it wasn't for the character development, the Wild Life would be just another teen movie(sic). Because of this I would actually put it in a better place than a flick like Meatballs. If the movie actually dealt with social issues of the time as a plot point it would be more memorable like its writer's previous endeavor. I'm assuming Crowe was a bit rushed to write a script based on the success of Fast Times. If he had spent a little more time on serious plot points rather than boobs and beer, I probably never would have missed this movie growing up.

My critique may sound a bit negative, but I did enjoy The Wild Life. Chris Penn's Spicoli-like character was on point and Stoltz reminded me of an 80's Topher Grace, making a perfect straight man. Being a bit of an awkward loser in my formative teen year, I especially related to Jim Conrad, with the exception of the war fetish. If you crave something more out of your 80's boobfest, this is probably the movie for you. If not, there are plenty of Meatballs and Porky's rip-offs out there.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Razzies 2011 Nominations and My Unneeded Input

Although I am a self-proclaimed movie geek, the times I have sat down and watched an actual awards ceremony are few and far between. It's not that I don't care that a movie industry icon gets awarded for a job well done or not, because there is a small part of me that does. It's that very same part of me that browses US Weekly while I'm sitting on the toilet. It's not really knowledge that I care to have, but it allows to drop some trashy science when the female-to-male quotient is high in the room. Otherwise,I would just be an asshole boyfriend who gawks at the computer monitor when guests are over, and that would never fly with the girl. So having the slightest bit of knowledge about Pauly D's sex life and whether it involves Chloe Sevigny helps out in the long run.

A couple of weeks ago I actually participated in the Golden Globes Guessing Game for the first time. Although I didn't pay to much attention to the Ceremony, I still put my votes in as requested. Out of the three people in the room, I think I scored the lowest. As disappointing as it sounds, it didn't bother me to much, if at all. Unless the game involved 8-bit action or Angry Birds, I really not that competitive. Besides, as stated before I really don't see modern blockbusters until it's to late. Why pend 13 bucks to go see a new movie when I can buy 4 to 6 kung-fu flicks at the grocery store for the same price. See where I'm coming from?

One awards ceremony that does slightly spark my interest is the Golden Raspberry Awards, known to most as the Razzies. Instead of recognizing the best that cinema has to offer, like the half dozen or so ceremonies I don't care about, the Razzies nominate the worst. Me being one who raises the flag high in the Asshole Parade(if such a thing existed), this is something I could easily get behind. Especially when the ridicule is well-deserved. Yesterday the nominations for this year's Razzies were announced. As I did with the Golden Globes, I'm going to take it upon my self to use my irrelevant little space on the internet to submit, to the world, my nominations for the worst of the worst.

The 2011 Golden Raspberry Nominations

Worst Picture

- The Bounty Hunter
- The Last Airbender
- Sex and the City 2
- Twilight Saga: Eclipse
- Vampires Suck

As much as I hate Old Horseface(Sarah Jessica Parker) and sparkly emo-vamps, my vote for worst picture goes to The Last Airbender. As a fan of the cartoon, I had positive expectations that M. Night Shitman might be able to translate the story of the Avatar into to something entertaining. Boy was I wrong! Guess what, Night? Style over substance is not always a good thing, especially when you haven't been able to execute it for close to a decade.

Worst Actor

- Jack Black, Gulliver's Travels
- Gerard Butler, The Bounty Hunter
- Ashton Kutcher, Killers and Valentine's Day
- Taylor Lautner, Twilight Saga: Eclipse and Valentine's Day
- Robert Pattinson, Remember Me and Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Soooo difficult! But since I've never given my money to anything involving Pattinson and still have a place in my heart for Black, I going to have to go with Ashton Kutcher. Why doesn't this guy just disappear? Seriously Ashton, you made your money in the sitcom world which is more than you ever should have been allowed. Could you just get lost in between Demi Moore's legs already?

Worst Actress

- Jennifer Aniston, The Bounty Hunter and The Switch
- Miley Cyrus, The Last Song
- The Four Gal Pals, Sex and the City 2
- Megan Fox, Jonah Hex
- Kristen Stewart, Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Miley Cyrus. Even if I didn't watch her shitty romcom, she is still the Rosemary's Baby of the entertainment industry. How can the child of Disney and Billy Ray Cyrus be anything less?

Worst Supporting Actor

- Billy Ray Cyrus, The Last Song
- George Lopez, Marmaduke, The Spy Next Door and Valentine's Day
- Dev Patel, The Last Airbender
- Jackson Rathbone, The Last Airbender and Twilight Saga: Eclipse
- Rob Schneider, Grown Ups

It's unfair that we live in a Universe where Phil Hartman dies and Rob Schneider lives. It's even more unfair that Schneider is still going to continue making movies despite public opinion.

Worst Supporting Actress

- Jessica Alba, The Killer Inside Me, Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine's Day
- Cher, Burlesque
- Liza Minnelli, Sex and the City 2
- Nicola Peltz, The Last Airbender
- Barbra Streisand, Little Fockers

Is Cher ever going to come to the realization that 60 year old women are not sexy, no matter how much plastic surgery they get?

Worst Eye-Gouging Mis-Use of 3-D

- Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
- Clash of the Titans
- The Last Airbender
- Nutcracker 3-D
- Saw 3-D

I haven't seen any of these films in 3-D, so my vote is going to go to Saw 3-D based on principal. No torture porn franchise should have ever made it that far.

Worst Screen Couple/Ensemble

- Jennifer Aniston & Gerard Butler, The Bounty Hunter
- Josh Brolin's Face & Megan Fox's Accent, Jonah Hex
- The Entire Cast, The Last Airbender
- The Entire Cast, Sex and the City 2
- The Entire Cast, Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Twilight Saga. Do I really need to say why?

Worst Director

- The Expendables, Sylvester Stallone
- The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan
- Sex and the City 2, Michael Patrick King
- Vampires Suck, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Fuck you, M. Night! You have now made it onto my list of People I Hope To Run Into In A Dark Alley. Tom Cruise is still at the top but it could be you if you continue to direct.

Worst Screenplay

- The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan
- Little Fockers, Michael Hamburg & Larry Stuckey
- Sex and the City 2, Michael Patrick King
- Twilight Saga: Eclipse, Melissa Rosenberg
- Vampires Suck, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Yet some more Shyamalan hatred coming your way, blogospere!

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel

- Clash of the Titans
- The Last Airbender
- Sex and the City 2
- Twilight Saga: Eclipse
- Vampires Suck

With the exception of Clash of the Titans, none of these movies should have been made. At this point, I am too drained of spirit to continue with my submissions, so it's going to have to remain a four-way tie. I can't even think about this shit anymore. Time to go decompress with something worth watching, which is anything at this point!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Big Screen Big Apple-Tarantula(1955) Saturday Jan. 22 at Midnight

This Saturday, Spectacle will be bringing a drive-in classic to the mean streets of Williamsburg for Saturday's midnight surprise. So load up the Jalopy and bring the boys for a cinema sock-hop classic with Tarantula(1955).

IMDB says - "Even Science was stunned!"
"More terrifying than any horror known to man comes a creeping crawling monster whose towering fury no one can escape!"
"Giant spider strikes! Crawling terror 100 feet high!"
"Bullets Can't Stop It! Dynamite Can't Kill It!"

January 22nd at Midnight @ Spectacle Theater, 124 S. 3rd St., (at Bedford Ave.)Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Big Screen Big Apple- The Sinful Dwarf(1973) Friday at Midnight

When I first moved to the Williamsburg/Bushwick area five years ago, there were very few places close by to catch a movie unless I wanted to watch some trustfunder's hoity-toity, experimental shit film. In that case, I could always head over to Monkeytown and pay too much for drinks and a movie only understood by the artist and those psuedo-intellects who pretend to be "in the know". Not really my cup of tea. In the past if I wanted to catch some vaguely trashy, bloody, or interesting, I would have to travel into Manhattan for some one-off showing at midnight. As colorful of a grindhouse past as this city has, there are actually very few places to go see a movie I am interested in these days. Sure, back then I could probably find one movie of interest each week in one of the many indie theaters the Rotten Apple holds, but finding that right film takes a bit more research than I'm willing to put in. If the listing wasn't in the Village Voice (it's not anymore) I probably wouldn't know if something entertaining was playing.

Fast-forward 4 years....Monkeytown no longer exists in Williamsburg. In it's place, two other indie theaters open up to serve the local hipness. One theater might as well be a better-scheduled replica closer to the water. The food and drink are a tad bit cheaper, but the pretension remains the same. The latter runs as a not-for-profit with a focus on hard to find films, artsy or not. The space may be smaller, but you can still get popcorn and beer. Better than that, admission is a cool 5 buck. Best of all, the Midnite Movie tradition from ages past is reborn, making Spectacle a gift from the gods in the heart of hipsville. My prayers have been answered!

Friday at midnight Spectacle Theater brings a XXX grindhouse classic to the City that Never Sleeps, The Sinful Dwarf(1973) !

IMDB says - "Heartwarming tale about a mischeif-making, wind-up toy loving dwarf and his retired stage-queen mother, working together to make ends meet by renting out rooms in their large home. To supplement their modest income, they randomly kidnap young girls and chain them up inside their attic. Gentlemen stop in periodically to use the girls for sex, and show their appreciation with cash donations. To keep the girls in line, our friendly dwarf injects them with daily doses of heroin. When a young couple rents a room in the house, complications ensue which pose a threat to the family business."

So if your sick of the same old Friday night drink and dance, head on over to Spectacle Theater January 21st at midnight for a change of pace.

Spectacle Theater, 124 S. 3rd St., (at Bedford Ave.)Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Cape-Primetime Disappointment or Bad Episode

Over the last couple of years that I have made the transition from barfly to homebody. It happens to many of us, especially when we find that special somebody. There is nothing like replacing liver damage with radiation poisoning, especially when it's spent next to the one you love.

Since I have tied myself to the America's Favorite Pastime(suck it, football!), I have found that I get eager a few times a year. That time when we get to see what the creative minds of the network gods are going to unleash upon us for what is typically one to six episodes unless it gets picked up for tenure. I am speaking of pilot season. Those couple of weeks during the months of September and January the make or break the will-to-live for those Hollywood newcomers and the audience who choses to participate.

Two of the shows the collective being known as Mary and Steve just happened to watched last night one a pilot and one in it's third episode. Keep in mind, even though I say "collective being", it doesn't necessarily mean that I was anticipating both shows any more than the girlfriend was. I being the former comic book addict had been anticipating The Cape for the last month while Mary had been inching to see Being Human, a show in which I will keep my opinions to my self at the insistence of my better half.

As far as I can tell, The Cape is the story of a cop, Vince Faraday, who is presumed dead by the rest of the occupants of the DC-like fake metropolis of Palm City. With the help of a mysterious circus ringleader and his magical cape he takes on the alter ego of a comic book character his son reads about, known as The Cape(duh!). He fights a new criminal every week like a good masked avenger. From reading the Wikipedia entry , I have gathered that he is trying to clear his good name after being framed by a mysterious arch-nemesis known as Chess. while hiding his existence from his wife and son.

As you can tell from the title of this blog entry, I haven't yet developed a solid opinion of how I felt about The Cape. As much as I love the idea of having a show about a costumed crimefighter that is not based on an 80 year old comic, certain aspects about it didn't sit well with me. For one, the writing was pretty fucking horrible. I know I probably should have watched the first two episodes, but Mondays are typically reserved for NPH and Charlie Sheen, so I wasn't in-the-know as to the correct date of the series premiere. This is a new show though, and the first few episodes should be written and staged appropriately so that newcomers like myself have a better understanding of what's going on. I felt lost with most of the episode.

With a dark and dreary set design with a masked vigilante, any idiot can tell that the creators of the Cape are going for something of a Batman feel. But the name Gotham City inspires the image of a burg forever under the cloak of night and bad weather, like Seattle with less flannel. The name Palm City doesn't exactly conjure up the thought of crime ridden and sinister. In fact, all I can think about is a retirement community in Florida suburb with a name like Palm City. With a name like that, they should have considered naming the superhero The Shuffleboard. It's more fitting for the environment.

Despite the shitty writing and overall confusion I had with my first time watching the Cape, there were elements to it that will bring me back for more. Namely the appearance of Martin Klebba as Rollo, a co-star of limited height then I have much love for. The truth is you can produce the shittiest piece of cinema in the world, and I will still watch it if "little people" are involved. Call me an asshole, but there is something about dwarfism in the acting pool that brings a smile to my face, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Through the mysterious-masked- man element and supervillains on top of that, and The Cape is worth a revisit next Monday and perhaps the week after. If it doesn't get any better by February, I will probably give up on it if the Network doesn't do it first.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Pray For Death(1985)- Ninja Movies Should Be Loved By All

There are certain things in this world that are loved by all men. Besides the basics like sex and bacon, I like to think that ninja movies are one of those subjects that can please any dude. At least any dude that I have ever met. Ninja movies are like the german chocolate cake of action movies. Not only do you get a healthy dose martial arts and vengeance, but you get it with wrapped with a costume and a bad ass array of weapons. As far as action movie badassery goes, ninjas are always going to be the cream of the crop. Where else in movie land can a single guy take on an army of mercenaries with automatic weapons with nothing but cool moves and shurikens? Well actually, quite a few places, but I'm sure it's all done in imitation.

In the world of pop culture ninjas, there is really only one king, and it's not Michael Dudikoff, but he does come pretty close. The one I write of is none other than Sho Kosugi. A man who is based his entire 3+ decade acting career on perfecting the theatrical image of the perfect ninja. Forget the fact that the majority of his films were release straight-to-video and his children won't speak to him, he is still the ultimate assassin on the silver screen. To me, Kosugi is placed on the same pedestal the Bronson resides and he could never fall from grace. Not even if he made a movie with Jackie Chan....okay, maybe in this case.

A couple days ago I watched a Kosugi movie I had never seen when I was younger, Pray for Death(1985). As with every other Sho Kosugi ninja movie that have blessed my eyes, I loved it. Again I got to see Kosugi play the passive dad to his son(on screen and in real life). Again I saw him humbly face the evil that is organized crime. Again I saw him triumph through vengeance over the death of a loved one. And again I loved every single minute of it. How could you not? Even if the plot is almost exactly the same as the Kosugi movie before, which it is, you are still going to get 90 minutes of father and son kicking ass and cleaning up the neighborhood, despite how unrealistic it tends to be at times(I'm sorry, there isn't a ten year kid in the world who can kick the shit out of more than 2 guys at a time).

As with many movies I watch, I ended up pouring over the IMDB entry when the show was over. I do this because I like to check out useless facts, fuck-ups, and other productions the the cast and crew might have worked that would peak my interest. I also like to go over the reviews just to make I'm not an idiot for liking or hating a movie. Typically I'm not, even though the review I did for Predators might tell a different story. Most of the 17 reviews I read were in agreement with my opinion, and supported my Ninja Movie=Love theory, with the exception of one:

"Why is it so hard for a ninja to take on one white guy after wiping out an entire guard detail? I know this happens in all action movies, but this guy's supposed to be a ninja. Gimme a break.

Also, when does having your half-American Japanese wife killed in the U.S. give you and your kids the right to reside there permanently? None of them are citizens.

The old geezer ninja dude's makeup looked like it was applied by a 10 year old.

Besides that, it's a really crappy movie too. That's why I just saw it on for free..."

Appalling, isn't it?

Not only did the douchebag give Pray For Death one star, he also tried to apply needless things such as logic and sociopolitics to a ninja movie. This type of uppity bullshit makes me think that somebody should stick with Save The Last Dance and leave the real movies to guys that don't use Dance Dance Revolution as a dating device. What a fucking asshole. What's wrong, was America's Next Top Model taken off off of Hulu for the season, so you turned to the real man movie in a fit a rage? Awesomely trashy action movies are obviously too much for you to handle which leads me to believe you may have been born without a pair of testicles, or lost them in a ninja attack. If that's the case, I'm sorry for your loss but you probably deserved it. Nobody gets attacked by ninjas these days.

Alright...let me catch my breath.

I guess it goes to show that there are always going to be unhappy people. No matter how great the subject, you can't please everyone. For the rest of us, I recommend Pray For Death if you have the time in your busy day for 90 minutes of ninjaness(I made that word up). Apparently it's on Hulu now, so you don't even have to search for a couple or illegally download it. Any way you come upon it is totally worth it.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Predators(2010)-The Rare New Movie Review

Despite the way I portrait myself through my internet persona, I do watch new movies on a regular basis. As a homebody, my television is always on. If I'm not watching re-runs from yesteryear or the Travel Channel, chances are my eyes are glued to the screen for a movie. As a "cult" and "genre" movie connoisseur, I am always watching whatever random trash I've picked up at the 99 Cent store or via Netflix. Fortunately, I also have a significant other, and she is not always down with my "eclectic" tastes, so I do tend to spend a great deal of time watching more mainstream movies, typically of the indie and horror variety. I don't write reviews or voice opinions of everything I watch, mostly because of what little image I have to maintain as a film doouche. Kidding. I really just don't think people want to read about how much I enjoyed The Kids Are Alright when there are assholes who get paid to write better and more in depth reviews for such snooty rags as the New York Times and The Village Voice. I write about exploitation and kung-fu flicks, top notch indie is way out of my league.

The same rule typically applies for newer horror movies. Not because I'm one of the shithead horror snobs that proudly vocalizes how much new horror sucks, because I don't feel that way all the time. There has been awesome shit coming out of France and Korea for a couple years now. Its mostly because I don't usually have an interest in writing about something 1000's of people are raving over at the same time period. For me it would just be beating a dead horse.

And now we come to the re-makes, yet another thing I don't typically touch with a 10 foot pole. Usually because the snob comes out in me and I just think the movie is going to be shit, and in a lot of ways I'm usually right. Any other Predator movie I would have never wasted my time on, unless it were the first and second. I couldn't even get through the first AVP because it bored the living daylights out of me, and didn't even touch Requiem because of it. I've done the same for all the Saw and Hostel movies. The first ones couldn't capture my attention, so there is no way the rest of the series could.

I didn't feel the same way when I first heard about Predators(2010). First off, Rodriguez produced it. Yeah, the man is responsible for more than one shitty film, but he can still do no wrong in my eyes. Two, the script was based on the original storyline, so it was going to be like AVP never existed. Last but not least, Danny Trejo. Need I say more? I knew i was probably going to love this film no matter how shitty it was, and I was close to right.

Summary: Eight people find themselves mysteriously transported to am environment they are unfamiliar with. Most are bad asses of some type:black ops, warlords, yakuza, special forces...the entire spectrum of action movie has been covered. With the exception of one, Edwin (played by Topher Grace,who ofrom all appearances is a skinny little sissypants. It doesn't take long to realize why they have been thrown together on what turns out to be and alien world: they have just stepped into the Most Dangerous Game. Only this time the hunters aren't a bunch of bored white guys.

As with any good Predator movie, one-by-one our troop of tough guys get picked off. If you entered this movie not knowing that this is the plot, you probably have an adult supervisor. Some of the kills were fun, but would have been more interesting if CGI wasn't used. I know it's a common complaint from old guys like me, but there is something more organic about the kills is Predator compared to this new ofshoot. It just feels more realistic. Compared to early works of CGI horror, like Blade, Predators looks spectacular, but there is a difference.

The cast was fantastic, and not because they are notable thespians. Quite the opposite actually. With the exception of Fishburne, this was probably the most glorious mix of B and C-listers ever put together. Grace, Trejo, and best of all, Adrien Brody. A man who has flirted with the A List many a time over the last 15 years, and should probably still be schmoozing with the lot of them. A man who has unfortunately made some flawed career choices that prevent him from ever hitting the top again(like working with Argento). A man who you would never expect to be America's next big action hero, but he's going to give it a fighting chance. Brody gained 25 pounds, changed his voice cadence up, and is going for the gold. If he can't be in Apatow's or the Coen Brothers next box office sensation, he might as well try to fill the JCVD/Ah-nold/Rock shoes. That reason alone I found reason enough to give this movie a good letter grade.

Unlike Dinner with Schmucks, this was two hours of my life I will give away freely if it presents itself again. I had few gripes and a lot of fun. It helps to go into not expecting a cultural masterpiece. But because of Brody's over-the-topness, it kind of was in its own right. If it wasn't already available On Demand, I would have forked over the cash to see it in the theater.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Joysticks (1983) Boobs, Pac-Man, and a Recycled Porky's

I've reviewed 80's boobfest comedies on more than one occasion, so kicking this one off with the standard "as a child of the 80's" horseshit just seems a bit tiring at this point. How many times can a man point out his love for a specific shitty movie genre before it just looks like the first paragraph of the review is a cut-and-paste job from the previous Porky's rip-off. As lazy as I am, I don't want to be called on it in that fashion. I would rather be known for posting my shitty opinions about trashy movies on the internet, as I am going to do right now.

Joysticks(1983) is the story of a ragtag bunch of misunderstood youth and a lone arcade,in the peaceful Pacific town of River City. I'm assuming River City is somewhere around the LA metro area based on the over-acted "Valley Girl" accents heard from just two of the residents. That and the fact that there are palm trees everywhere. Regardless, this isn't like any arcade I ever frequented during my youth. My local arcade wasn't the local hotspot, where the cool guys made their home base and the hot chicks got topless at the drop of a quarter. Dream Machine was never that happening. The most excitement we ever received actually beating one of the Laotian "gang members" at a Mortal Combat and hoping he didn't assemble a threatening posse to fight in the parking lot over it. I would happily trade that in for girls who lift shirts to token-poppin' dorks.

As it turns out, certain members of the community aren't very happy with the activities going on inside said arcade, and will do anything they can to shut the place down. From sabotage to local political involvement, Joseph Rutter, local improtant guy, will go through any length to make sure his spawn-of-few-braincells spends less time at the digital den of sin. With the help of his bumbling nephews, he makes the lives of the arcades employees a living hell. What on Donkey Kong's platforms will they do?

Do a really need to answer that?

As I said before, Joysticks is a Porky's rip-off with the arcade angle to make it different. Like other rip-offs of the most coveted boobflick, it is not nearly as good. The jokes suck and the gags substandard, but if I were an 12 year old sneaking into the theater, I would think it was fucking hilarious. I still found it incredibly entertaining, but more for what I saw and less than was supposed to entertain. Bad acting, fart jokes, and punk rockers is what I was expecting, and that is what I got. Double boob shots 3 minutes in don't really do anything for me anymore, nor have they since I was in junior high.

I did enjoy many aspects of the video game twist. Most of the scene transitions involved Pac-Man, which led me to believe that Midway had something to do with this movie (they did). I also got top see games I had completely forgotten about like Gorf and Space Dungeon. Forgotten memories that I can now hopefully add to my MAME collecton. I also never realized there was a game called Super Pac-Man, which was played as the "save the arcade" match at the end of the movie. This scene alone made me think this movie was a propaganda tool for Midway the same way The Wizard was for Nintendo.

Seeing that this was a Greydon Clark movie, I knew a bit of what I was getting into. Although he hasn't directed too many movies, some of them were quite memorable. I speak of Black Shampoo and Satan's Cheerleaders. Trashy yet unforgettable. All in all, I recommend this movie for the Gen-X arcade nerds who had a VHS collection with at least 3 Meatballs movies.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Everybody Loves A Little Table Talk- The Much Deserved Deleted Scene From Death Wish II

Some people may think it's important for Paul to have a little one-on-one time with his lady. I mean, he just lost the rest of his family to brutal muggers for Christ sakes! The man obviously needs to talk about his feelings and let off some steam. Unfortunately, the powers that be didn't see it as so important to be included in the movie, and neither do I to tell you the truth. Why does Kersey need to talk about his emotions when he's out on the mean streets of LA smoking motherfuckers? This is obviously how real men solve there problems.

Save the table talk for raw meat and mash potatoes.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Death Wish II aka Why Did it take me 30 Years to Meet Paul Kersey

Despite being an action movie buff, I just recently watched the first two Death Wish films. Two films, which most worshipers of the action/revenge genre would refer to as gospel, I had let go by for over 30 years. Why, I'm not quite sure. Possibly because my interest in action films didn't really go much beyond martial arts during my impressionable years. Guns and car chases were never really "a thing" for me until the latter part of my life. Sure, I always loved Seagal and JCVD, but those dicks were always so skilled with the hands and feet, firearms and explosions always looked like a suckers way out. Due to my obsession with Italian and 70's cinema over the last few years, I have actually become entranced with the shoot-em-ups and big explosions, and with those types of films came a fondness for Charles Bronson. Even though I put off watching his most famous works for a couple of years of being a fan of the Cinema God of Vengeance, I'm kind of glad I did because I was once again inspired to write for this piece-of-shit blog that hasn't been updated in many moons.

So I give a big thanks to Chuck for the inspiration.

As if 20 minutes ago I just finished watching Death Wish II, a flick that I'm sure many of my cohorts in the trash cinema world have not only watched repeatedly, but have probably written about on there own blogs. Besides that, I'm the freak idiot who never took the time to watch it. So even if you haven't masturbated to it, if you are reading this you have probably seen it, so I don't really think I have to summarize it.

If you haven't, the show goes something like this: Paul lives in LA after escaping his past bad luck, only to fall upon NEW bad luck. New bad luck being same as the old bad luck(violent muggers). New bad luck rapes and murders Paul's loved ones, so he goes out on a revenge spree, "nuff said. The story was told in the first movie, and repeats in this one. Since 5 other Death Wish movies were made, I'm sure the story was repeated another 3 times.

All I have to say is Paul Kersey is an extremely unlucky MFer. In the first film, his wife gets murdered and his daughter raped into catatonia. That is seriously too much for one man to take. Any of us would understand taking the law into his own hands, any Red-Blooded American Man would want to, especially during the 70's when Real Men ruled the silver screen. In the next film, his life's misfortune repeats in almost the exact same fashion, yet he still remains cool. In fact, 5 movies in and he's still going.

Fuck that shit! Any person stationed in reality would really start questioning the existence of a Higher Power. If not that, wondering what evil they had done in a previous life to deserve so much sorrow. That's some Hitler-level shit if you ask me. Paul Kersey keeps on killing punks. Joe Schmoe Normalguy would probably go on to commit suicide or join some kind of religious order, possibly both. This reason alone makes me question whether I want to see 3,4, and 5. It's seems like it would not only be unrealistic, but extremely played out at that point. I probably will though, not because I'm a sucker for punishment and really love Bronson. But because of the fact that the first two Death Wish films were utterly amazing and I'm sure I'll find similar qualities in the final three.