Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Razzies 2011 Nominations and My Unneeded Input

Although I am a self-proclaimed movie geek, the times I have sat down and watched an actual awards ceremony are few and far between. It's not that I don't care that a movie industry icon gets awarded for a job well done or not, because there is a small part of me that does. It's that very same part of me that browses US Weekly while I'm sitting on the toilet. It's not really knowledge that I care to have, but it allows to drop some trashy science when the female-to-male quotient is high in the room. Otherwise,I would just be an asshole boyfriend who gawks at the computer monitor when guests are over, and that would never fly with the girl. So having the slightest bit of knowledge about Pauly D's sex life and whether it involves Chloe Sevigny helps out in the long run.

A couple of weeks ago I actually participated in the Golden Globes Guessing Game for the first time. Although I didn't pay to much attention to the Ceremony, I still put my votes in as requested. Out of the three people in the room, I think I scored the lowest. As disappointing as it sounds, it didn't bother me to much, if at all. Unless the game involved 8-bit action or Angry Birds, I really not that competitive. Besides, as stated before I really don't see modern blockbusters until it's to late. Why pend 13 bucks to go see a new movie when I can buy 4 to 6 kung-fu flicks at the grocery store for the same price. See where I'm coming from?

One awards ceremony that does slightly spark my interest is the Golden Raspberry Awards, known to most as the Razzies. Instead of recognizing the best that cinema has to offer, like the half dozen or so ceremonies I don't care about, the Razzies nominate the worst. Me being one who raises the flag high in the Asshole Parade(if such a thing existed), this is something I could easily get behind. Especially when the ridicule is well-deserved. Yesterday the nominations for this year's Razzies were announced. As I did with the Golden Globes, I'm going to take it upon my self to use my irrelevant little space on the internet to submit, to the world, my nominations for the worst of the worst.

The 2011 Golden Raspberry Nominations

Worst Picture

- The Bounty Hunter
- The Last Airbender
- Sex and the City 2
- Twilight Saga: Eclipse
- Vampires Suck

As much as I hate Old Horseface(Sarah Jessica Parker) and sparkly emo-vamps, my vote for worst picture goes to The Last Airbender. As a fan of the cartoon, I had positive expectations that M. Night Shitman might be able to translate the story of the Avatar into to something entertaining. Boy was I wrong! Guess what, Night? Style over substance is not always a good thing, especially when you haven't been able to execute it for close to a decade.

Worst Actor

- Jack Black, Gulliver's Travels
- Gerard Butler, The Bounty Hunter
- Ashton Kutcher, Killers and Valentine's Day
- Taylor Lautner, Twilight Saga: Eclipse and Valentine's Day
- Robert Pattinson, Remember Me and Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Soooo difficult! But since I've never given my money to anything involving Pattinson and still have a place in my heart for Black, I going to have to go with Ashton Kutcher. Why doesn't this guy just disappear? Seriously Ashton, you made your money in the sitcom world which is more than you ever should have been allowed. Could you just get lost in between Demi Moore's legs already?

Worst Actress

- Jennifer Aniston, The Bounty Hunter and The Switch
- Miley Cyrus, The Last Song
- The Four Gal Pals, Sex and the City 2
- Megan Fox, Jonah Hex
- Kristen Stewart, Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Miley Cyrus. Even if I didn't watch her shitty romcom, she is still the Rosemary's Baby of the entertainment industry. How can the child of Disney and Billy Ray Cyrus be anything less?

Worst Supporting Actor

- Billy Ray Cyrus, The Last Song
- George Lopez, Marmaduke, The Spy Next Door and Valentine's Day
- Dev Patel, The Last Airbender
- Jackson Rathbone, The Last Airbender and Twilight Saga: Eclipse
- Rob Schneider, Grown Ups

It's unfair that we live in a Universe where Phil Hartman dies and Rob Schneider lives. It's even more unfair that Schneider is still going to continue making movies despite public opinion.

Worst Supporting Actress

- Jessica Alba, The Killer Inside Me, Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine's Day
- Cher, Burlesque
- Liza Minnelli, Sex and the City 2
- Nicola Peltz, The Last Airbender
- Barbra Streisand, Little Fockers

Is Cher ever going to come to the realization that 60 year old women are not sexy, no matter how much plastic surgery they get?

Worst Eye-Gouging Mis-Use of 3-D

- Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
- Clash of the Titans
- The Last Airbender
- Nutcracker 3-D
- Saw 3-D

I haven't seen any of these films in 3-D, so my vote is going to go to Saw 3-D based on principal. No torture porn franchise should have ever made it that far.

Worst Screen Couple/Ensemble

- Jennifer Aniston & Gerard Butler, The Bounty Hunter
- Josh Brolin's Face & Megan Fox's Accent, Jonah Hex
- The Entire Cast, The Last Airbender
- The Entire Cast, Sex and the City 2
- The Entire Cast, Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Twilight Saga. Do I really need to say why?

Worst Director

- The Expendables, Sylvester Stallone
- The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan
- Sex and the City 2, Michael Patrick King
- Vampires Suck, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Fuck you, M. Night! You have now made it onto my list of People I Hope To Run Into In A Dark Alley. Tom Cruise is still at the top but it could be you if you continue to direct.

Worst Screenplay

- The Last Airbender, M. Night Shyamalan
- Little Fockers, Michael Hamburg & Larry Stuckey
- Sex and the City 2, Michael Patrick King
- Twilight Saga: Eclipse, Melissa Rosenberg
- Vampires Suck, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer

Yet some more Shyamalan hatred coming your way, blogospere!

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel

- Clash of the Titans
- The Last Airbender
- Sex and the City 2
- Twilight Saga: Eclipse
- Vampires Suck

With the exception of Clash of the Titans, none of these movies should have been made. At this point, I am too drained of spirit to continue with my submissions, so it's going to have to remain a four-way tie. I can't even think about this shit anymore. Time to go decompress with something worth watching, which is anything at this point!


  1. Have to disagree on a few:

    -Cher isn't really supposed to be sexy in Burleseque. She's just Cher. And she's GREAT at that!

    -I found Saw 3D hilarious and highly entertaining.

    On the other hand, I agree that there clearly is no God when Hartman lies in a coffin and Schneider makes more money than I ever will.

  2. I could have went with Streisand too, but how many Yentl jokes can be made over a lifetime? My opinion of any Saw movie is going to be the same no matter what. I guess those opinions might make me one of those old fogey horror elitists that I'm always bitching about.