Big Screen Big Apple- Hobo with a Shotgun(2011) on Friday Feb. 18th at 11pm

Many will agree that one of the best things about the release of the Tarantino/Rodriguez throwback extravaganza Grindhouse were the fake trailers that ran before and in between the two releases. Some folks, not including myself, will say that they were the only good thing about it. Since then, a few of the fake trailers have actually taken a life of their own, outside of the trailers. As most of you know, Hobo With A Shotgun was the only one of the parody trailers not directed by a Hollywood notable. The creators won a contest,of thousands, and created a product good enough to shine with the rest of the garbage. It took a couple of years, but Hobo With A Shotgun(2011)is finally ready for the general population after shining at Sundance.

IMDB says -"A homeless vigilante blows away crooked cops, pedophile Santas, and other scumbags with his trusty pump-action shotgun."

I, for one, am a bit giddy for this one and will make every possible effort to get up to Lincoln Center this Friday Night. Especially Since the director is going to be there in person.

Friday February 18th @ 11PM Walter Reade Theater, West 65th Street, between Broadway and Amsterdam Ave, on the upper level, Upper West Side

Big Screen Big Apple- The Sinful Dwarf(1973) Friday at Midnight

When I first moved to the Williamsburg/Bushwick area five years ago, there were very few places close by to catch a movie unless I wanted to watch some trustfunder's hoity-toity, experimental shit film. In that case, I could always head over to Monkeytown and pay too much for drinks and a movie only understood by the artist and those psuedo-intellects who pretend to be "in the know". Not really my cup of tea. In the past if I wanted to catch some vaguely trashy, bloody, or interesting, I would have to travel into Manhattan for some one-off showing at midnight. As colorful of a grindhouse past as this city has, there are actually very few places to go see a movie I am interested in these days. Sure, back then I could probably find one movie of interest each week in one of the many indie theaters the Rotten Apple holds, but finding that right film takes a bit more research than I'm willing to put in. If the listing wasn't in the Village Voice (it's not anymore) I probably wouldn't know if something entertaining was playing.

Fast-forward 4 years....Monkeytown no longer exists in Williamsburg. In it's place, two other indie theaters open up to serve the local hipness. One theater might as well be a better-scheduled replica closer to the water. The food and drink are a tad bit cheaper, but the pretension remains the same. The latter runs as a not-for-profit with a focus on hard to find films, artsy or not. The space may be smaller, but you can still get popcorn and beer. Better than that, admission is a cool 5 buck. Best of all, the Midnite Movie tradition from ages past is reborn, making Spectacle a gift from the gods in the heart of hipsville. My prayers have been answered!

Friday at midnight Spectacle Theater brings a XXX grindhouse classic to the City that Never Sleeps, The Sinful Dwarf(1973) !

IMDB says - "Heartwarming tale about a mischeif-making, wind-up toy loving dwarf and his retired stage-queen mother, working together to make ends meet by renting out rooms in their large home. To supplement their modest income, they randomly kidnap young girls and chain them up inside their attic. Gentlemen stop in periodically to use the girls for sex, and show their appreciation with cash donations. To keep the girls in line, our friendly dwarf injects them with daily doses of heroin. When a young couple rents a room in the house, complications ensue which pose a threat to the family business."

So if your sick of the same old Friday night drink and dance, head on over to Spectacle Theater January 21st at midnight for a change of pace.

Spectacle Theater, 124 S. 3rd St., (at Bedford Ave.)Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Satan's Cheerleaders(1977)

Since I was but a wee boy during my short life in the 70's, there is very little I can tell you about cinema during the disco days. What I do know I learned later on in life in the form of DVDs and trailer collections. Typically, it's the trailer collections I see that make me want to seek out the movie itself. I love trailer collections. In the last year, I have seen hundreds, I mean hundreds, of trailers. Most of the trailer collections I have come upon are of the grindhouse variety(go figure), and I can honestly say most of the movies advertised are from that coke-and-VD decade known as the 70's. Like with any period of time, you are going to find reoccurring subject matter in a number of movies made within a short amount of time. Call it mockery, flattery, looking for a fast buck, ect, ect...it happened then, it happens now, and it's probably going to keep happening long after we're dust. Monkey see, monkey do. Why create something new when we can just make it over and over until it dies from overkill? Anyway, two of the common themes I've noticed during the mid-70's were satanic worship and cheerleaders. Many movies were made, many of which I have not seen, but how many combined the two subjects? One that I know of, but I'm probably missing a couple, and Satan's Cheerleaders is the title it go's by...big fuckin' surprise!!

I don't really know if I can go ahead and say Satan's Cheerleader's gives either of the two genres it crosses justice, seeing as that I am unfamiliar with both, but i can definitely give it an opinion. First though, a brief synopsis. Billy, the tongue-tied High School janitor, is sick of being kicked around by the student body and life in general. Therefore, with the help of the local cult of hicks-turned-witches, he turns to the aide of the Dark Lord for some respect. All that is required is a virgin sacrifice. So guess who becomes the target? Little does he know that these cheerleaders, or any fuckin' cheerleaders throughout history, aren't exactly pure of body. But he's a fuckin' Satan-worshipping janitor, what the fuck does he know? After a rival cheering squad/football team decide to tee-pee the school, Billy loses it. To make matters worse, he is accused of being a "prevert" by the local football jocks after he is discovered rummaging through the girl's locker room. He, of course, is a perv, but that doesn't mean he likes to be called out. So with the powers of darkness and cick old man fantasies compelling him, he casts a spell before the big game, causing the cheeleading squad to fall into his broom-calloused hands on a deserted country road. Leading the girls to a hidden alter, he proceeds to try to rape one of the head cheerleader, but is struck down by his own Dark Master for reasons unbeknown. the girls, thinking Billy is dead, quest to find the local sheriff to report the death, not knowing that he along with everyone else in the town are also practitioners of the dark arts. the girls are then held captive against there will, for sacrificial purposes. What the cultists don't know is Satan has picked the head cheerleader as one of his own, and she's not going out without a fight.

Satan's Cheerleaders was one of those movies that I only have to see once, or never really had to to begin with. Like many 42nd street classics from the 70's, the trailer is much more entertaining than sitting through 90 minutes of horrible acting, un-entertaining humor, and minimal nudity. That's right kids, minimal nudity, probably 2 minutes worth. It couldn't even redeem itself through the most basic of levels. Not that the actresses were that worth looking at to begin with. But it's supposed to be a cheerleader movie. It wasn't a complete waste of the time though. There were a couple of things I found entertaining:

-How many movies have you seen that have a satanic janitor? Not only does he worship the dark forces, he wears a denim shirt with sequins on it. the character alone is worth the first 20 minutes.

-Old man fistfight. Who doesn't want top see a couple of dudes in there 60's duke it out for Satan. Fucking fantastic!

-John Carradine as the Bum. If you don't know of John Carradine's illustrious B-movie career, you probably don't live in your mom's basement. John has roles in such piles of shit as Astrozombies and Red Zone Cuba, which is a Coleman Francis production and one of the worst movies ever according to IMDB.

-misuse of pagan imagery. Anybody that knows anything about popularized satanism knows the pentacle, all the cultists were rocking, was facing the wrong direction. Come on guys, your not praying to your earth mother for a successful love life. Your worshiping the Prince of Darkness for fuck's sake. Turn your Spencers Gifts-bought pendant upside down and grow a pair!

That's not all, but what more do you need to justify 90 minutes of your life for this piece of shit. I probably would of had more fun if I was drunk, but I decided to be a good boy and stay clear of the booze. Bully for me.

Massacre at Central High(1976)

A vengeful psychotic or a high school punching bag’s wet dream? Despite how dastardly an act a slaughtering of fellow students is, we must always remember there are two sides to every story. Many of us have been in the position of the abused, and have, at one point or another, thought those very same things. Thankfully, many of us won’t carry out those type of thoughts. That’s what movies are for. Especially badly-acted, 42^nd st classics like Massacre at Central High. Who needs to get 25 to Life when you can watch uber-bullies get the shaft on the big screen. Well, in my case, a 24-inch television.

David is the new kid in town. He likes to run on the beach and oogle his best friend’s girl. He is also surprisingly violent, especially towards the group of thugs who run the school like Abu Ghraib. After spoiling an attempted gang rape, and beating the Jr. Hitler Society senseless, David is viewed in a more positive light by the weakerthans who make up the majority of central High’s student body. Although there appears to be a new sherriff in town, Das Bullies aren’t gonna hand over the championship belt that easily. After David receives a damaging visit from the former kings, things take a nasty turn. See, David likes to run, and it’s hard to run when your leg has been crushed by a classic American car. Since David can’t run anymore, he is going to have to find another hobby. Guess what that is?

After a few deaths that come in the form of unfortunate accidents, it would seem that Central High is bully-free and a much happier place. That doesn’t keep for very long. Apparently nerds need discipline and guidance, or things get out of line. Instead of one, now several factions want control of the school, and they all think david is the guy to help them acheive there goals. But he doesn’t quite see eye-to-eye with the nerds-turned-powermongers, and things start to get ugly again.

I love underdog films, and it makes it that much better when there is over-the-top violence involved. I also love grindhouse films from the 70’s. As bad as the acting was, and as ludicrous the situations were, I still enjoyed myself. Completely unrealistic, but that is one of the things that makes it entertaining. Seriously, are 3 guys really going to make that much of an impact on a standard sized high school? Why does the student lounge look like a Victorian reading room? How the fuck does Robert Carradine’s (of revenge of the Nerds fame) character end up in a tented threesome with 2 hotties? Completely unrealistic I tell you.

Despite it being grindhouse, the movie actually did the trailer justice, which is usually not the case. It has naked girls, explosions, and a hang glider accident. Seriously, what else do you need a Wednesday night by yourself with some Yuengling bombers. It made a great evening. The film even has the overplayed wear-and-tear, and that by itself is something to write home about. I recommend Massacre for those fans of the sticky theater classics.