Terrorvision(1986)

Directed by Ted Nicolaou( Ragewar(1984), Subspecies(1991), Bad Channels(1992))

Starring Diane Franklin( Better Off Dead(1985), The Last American Virgin(1982)), Mary Woronov( Death Race 2000(1975), Rock'n'Roll High School(1979)), and Gerrit Graham( Cannonball(1976), Demon Seed(1977))




I've been on a small Diane Franklin kick as of late. Who is this Franklin girl you ask? All it takes is two words and you will know who I'm talking about..International Language. If you guessed "cute French girl from Better Off Dead, the greatest comedy ever made" then you guess correct, my friend. This was the girl that was the archetype for my vision of feminine perfection when I was a teenager, and probably still exists somewhere in the complex mind of Steve the Adult to this day. She was a bit of a teenage crush, but it wasn't the actress herself as much as the character she portrsyed. If it were the other way, I would probably hold Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure to the same light as Better Off Dead.

So after seeing The Last American Virgin a couple weeks back, I spent a little time perusing Franklin's IMDB entry and discovered the entry for Terrorvision(1986). Seeing that it was executive produced by one Charles Band, I knew it was something I had to see. Ten minutes into the film and it was an instant favorite, or at least somewhere in the top 100 or 200(I watch a lot of movies).

The Planet Pluton dispenses it's garbage much like scientists have been telling us we should do it for years..by shooting it as far into space as possible. Much like humans, the "Plutonians" believe if you can't see it, it must not exist anymore. As an advanced species, the Plutonians just don't launch garbage piles into space via rockets. Instead, garbage matter is converted into energy and shot into that deepest and darkest depths of the Final Frontier. Unfortunately, one such "garbage beam" headed towards Earth ends up bouncing off a couple of satellites, causing the trash beam to be directed into the home of the Puttermans. Unfortunetly, one Plutonian's trash is not necessarily another man's treasure, unless you consider a man-eating, mutant space fido your idea of gold doubloons.

Sounds pretty awesome so far, doesn't it? I don't really think the summary I gave will really do it as much justice as Terrorvision is deserved because the characters are what really make this cheese factory of a flick shine.

Stanley and Raquel Putterman - The parental units. Not exactly Ozzie and Harriet, but it'd the 80's so it's totally okay for a middle-aged yuppie couple to openly swing in front of there kids and hang x-rated bondage art all over the common areas of the house.

Grampa - a veteran survivalist who has a dream of one day marketing lizard tails as a renewal food resource.

Sherman Putterman - When is the last time you say a 10 year old kid who looked natural carrying an automatic weapon?

Suzy Putterman - Played by Franklin herself. The oldest child and a punk rock princess, she has a taste for metalheads and the brains of a piece of plywood.

O.D. - Suzy's boyfriend. Doesn't have much going in the brains department, but he rocks a WASP tee and studded leather gauntlets. By far, the best character in the film.

Throw in horribly written dialogue, PG-13 comedy, R-rated gore, and a decently designed puppet mutt and you have yourself a keeper. Did I mention that Charles Band was not only the executive producer, but he also wrote the music? What can't that fuckin' guy do?!?

Unless you a fan of other 80's horror/comedy classics like House and Critters, you might not get as much of a kick out of Terrorvision as I did. It is definitely more for the Killer Klowns crowd than the slasher and gore purists out there. I would never try to sell Terrorvision to my horror aficionado roommate for fear of a straight 90 minutes of whining. But if you're more Freddie Kreuger than Michael Myers, this could be right up your alley.

Critters(1986)

Directed by Stephen Herek(Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure,Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead)

Produced by Rupert Harvey(Android,A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child)

Starring Dee Wallace(The Stepford Wives,The Hills Have Eyes,Alligator II: The Mutation),Scott Grimes(Critters 2,Night Life) and Terrance Mann(Critters 2, Solar Babies,Big Top Pee-Wee)

"Dude, we're gonna spend the afternoon watching Critters and House."

"Critters sucks, but I think House is cool."

"What do you mean Critters sucks? It's a classic 80's horror comedy."

"Critters is nothing but a poor man's Gremlins."

...and so went the brief conversation I had with my roommate/best friend Nate as he was leaving the apartment on Sunday. I was in shock. How could one who loves schlock as much as I do have hatred for the Critters? It baffled me to no end. Whatever. I let the haterade spill and continued on with the only plans I had for Sunday...to watch two of my favorite horror-comedies from the year 1986 with my best girl. A plan which was executed perfectly. Gremlins rip-off??? Please....

Critter(1986) is one of those 80's movies I assume everybody has seen, but then I realized not everybody is a fan of goofy sci-fi, or even from the same generation as myself, so let me break it down for you. The Critters, aka The Crites, are an extraterrestrial species that can be best described as carnivorous tribbles with huge appetites. Sounds cute, right? Not so much with these toothy, little furballs. Not only do the crites eat everything in sight, edible or not, but the more they eat, the bigger they get. You could say everything they eat goes straight to their hips, and I don't believe they actually have hips. Like tribbles, the cute doesn't last long once you realize they are more of plague than possible plaything. Chances are that this is probably why several of the little, furry fuckers are being held captive on a prison by the galactic powers-that-be. Unfortunately, crites aren't as base as you would think and they actually have the ability to solve complex problems, like stealing a space vessel for escape and headed towards earth. Thankfully, the Crites are being tailed by Ug and his parner, two faceless bounty-hunting bipeds who can take on the facial features of any human they contact to better blend in on alien worlds. Unfortunately, Ug can't get to Earth fast enough to stop the Crites from tormenting a small rural community and we get to see just how destructive 8 little furballs can be.

Obviously, the movie Critters would never have existed if it wasn't for the commercial success of Gremlins, but I wouldn't go as far as to call it a rip-off. Nate's "Poor Man's Gremlins" is a more accurate description. Either way, I don't care. I first saw the movie in theaters way back when, and have probably seen it a dozen times since then, I'll probably see it a dozen or more times in the next decade. I do admit that the older I get the cheesier the movie becomes, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I live for cheese!

I realize the most of the special effects in the movie revolve around mediocre puppeteering, but that is just one of the things that makes Critters more of a comedy than the actual sci-fi horror that it was intended to be. Other things include the Johnny Steele music video and Dee Wallace's over-the-top acting ability. The screaming-in-horror that women can do kept me in tears for the latter half of the movie. Completely ridiculous! I'm actually wondering why Dee wasn't cast in every slasher movie of the 70's and 80's based on her scream alone.

We all know that New Line Cinema were never a company for the high brow, so those of you who were disappointed after the first time you watched this classic should have known better. New Line Cinema and movies like Critters, Killer Klowns, and Night of the Creeps set the bar for comedy-tinged horror and sci-fi during the 80's, and you can still see the influence such films have on movies of the same vein today. So before you, or somebody you know, rants and raves about how much movies like Critters are shit, think about the source of these films and those they might have influenced in the future.

The Visitor(1979) and Then Some on Thursday Evening

It's nice to see Spectacle Theater add an extra night of cult cinema to there already heavy roster. I don't know if WTF!?!? Thursday is going to be a regularly scheduled occurrence, and if it is I'll be the last one complaining. This week's WTF, The Visitor(1984), which I understand is an Italian rip-off of The Omen with sci-fi replacing the satanic. I had never heard of it until this morning, but it sounds like a reason to head into Williamsburg on Thursday night.

Spectacle says - "The holiest of all Holyfuckingshits, The Visitor has the highest JDPM (Jaw Drops Per Minute) ratio of any film of its era, Italian ripoff or not. It's a wonderful mishmash of The Omen and Close Encounters, but that barely hints at the whacked fervor with which director Michael J. Paradise hurls his hastily assembled "all-star" cast (John Huston, Glenn Ford, Shelley Winters, and, yes, Lance Henriksen) into the cinematic void, sh...owering them with what Austin, TX's revival cinema gem The Alamo Drafthouse has called "a blackhearted blowout of interplanetary possession, telekinetic avian assault, exploding basketballs and ecclesiastical laserstorms". Just when you think you've nailed down which direction the film is heading in, it completely shatters your notion of the time-space continuum with enough force to rival a thousand screenings of Zabriskie Point. If you miss out on this one, then you have as much regard for cinema as you do for a discarded toenail clipping. (Bret Berg - Cinefamily)"



After the main feature, feel free to stick around for Brain Bludgeon, which has no IMDB entry, so there isn't much I can tell you about it besides the one paragraph description I have found on a few different websites: "Sewn together from hundreds of forgotten horror films, BRAIN BLUDGEON is a transcendental fusion of trash exposing the willing to everything curious, bizarre, hilarious and awful about no-budget genre films. Hot penny torture, exploding 3d skulls, brutal "de-fetusing", raping zombies, and much more collide in this blissfully IQ-withering amalgamation of exploitation hell."

Thursday, May 19th at 9:30 PM Midnight @ Spectacle 124 S. 3rd St., (at Bedford Ave.)Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Trailer for Ra-One - The most expensive Bollywood Movie Ever Made

The first trailer for what some people are calling "the Bollywood Ironman", Ra-One, was released to the world yesterday during the India-Australia World Cup Match(I'm assuming this is cricket, since I like to fancy myself as a football fanboy). According to the rumors flying around the internets, Ra-One is being toted as the most expensive movie ever made in India. Considering the amount of filmage that comes out of Bollywood each year, I'm wondering how many productions were shot down to make room for this Hindi superpiece. I, for one, am wondering if the second trailer release is going to include a dance number, because you know there's going to be one.

From what I understand, the general Indian release of Ra-One is going to be sometime in October. Unless an American company picks it up for distro over here or it hits the film festival circuit, we are probably only going to be able to see it when it is released on DVD, which will be quite some time after October. Thankfully I live in a city with a large Indian population and several Bollywood theaters. If it's as much of a blockbuster over there as anticipated, it won't be very much longer for me seeing it on the big screen in Jackson Heights or Elmhurst.

FestQuest:SXSW 2011 Midnighters - Attack The Block(2011)

I have actually been waiting for about three weeks to here anything about the much anticipated Attack the Block(2011), the latest future blockbuster starring Nick Frost. All I've been able to gleen about the film in the last couple of weeks, besides the image above, is a one-line synopsis on IMDB. Thankfully a trailer was released late last week, and the world received an eagerly-awaited idea of what the sci-fi comedy was about:

Kids from the projects vs. an alien invasion of South London.

Sounds like a fuckin' blast. With all the alien invasion films currently killing the big screen these days, it's nice to see a movie with an original ,yet fun, premise. From the looks of the trailer, I would guess Attack is closer to a horror than sci-fi, either way I'm envious of all of those attending SXSW next week. With all the hype surrounding Simon Pegg and his alien comedy Paul, I'm sure there are going to be many heads eagerly waiting in line for the US premiere.

South by Southwest(SXSW) Film Conference and Festival 2011,March 11–19 in Austin, TX

Big Screen Big Apple- Fantastic Voyage(1966)Sun. March 6 at 1pm

I can always count on Museum of the Moving Image to provide me with some kind of Sunday matinee that screams Drive-In movie. Okay....maybe not always, but if you want a little sci-fi nostalgia to wash away the bad taste of Sunday morning church service, head up to Astoria to check out Fantastic Voyage(1966).

IMDB says - "Scientist Jan Benes, who knows the secret to keeping soldiers shrunken for an indefinite period, escapes from behind the Iron Curtain with the help of CIA agent Grant. While being transferred, their motorcade is attacked. Benes strikes his head, causing a blood clot to form in his brain. Grant is ordered to accompany a group of scientists as they are miniaturized. The crew has one hour to get in Benes's brain, remove the clot and get out."

Sunday March 6th at 1pm @ Museum of the Moving Image 35 Avenue at 37 Street Astoria, Queens Free with admission

Big Screen Big Apple- Death Watch(1980) Sat. Feb. 19th at 9:30 PM

IMDB says - "Roddy has a camera implanted in his brain. He is then hired by a television producer to film a documentary of terminally ill Katherine, without her knowledge. His footage will then be run on the popular TV series, "Death Watch"..."

Death Watch(1980) is a French Sci-Fi film starring Harvey Keitel as a human camera. Spectacle describes the film as a "prophetic tale of a dying woman hounded by a reality television program is an eerie and elliptical sci-fi gem". I love old sci-fi movies that fairly accurately predict the rise of reality TV. Even though I knew very little about the existence of Death Watch, the subject matter and star of the show are enough to make me want to head down to Spectacle to check it out.

Saturday February 19th at 9;30 PM @ Spectacle 124 S. 3rd St., (at Bedford Ave.)Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Big Screen Big Apple-Tarantula(1955) Saturday Jan. 22 at Midnight

This Saturday, Spectacle will be bringing a drive-in classic to the mean streets of Williamsburg for Saturday's midnight surprise. So load up the Jalopy and bring the boys for a cinema sock-hop classic with Tarantula(1955).

IMDB says - "Even Science was stunned!"
"More terrifying than any horror known to man comes a creeping crawling monster whose towering fury no one can escape!"
"Giant spider strikes! Crawling terror 100 feet high!"
"Bullets Can't Stop It! Dynamite Can't Kill It!"

January 22nd at Midnight @ Spectacle Theater, 124 S. 3rd St., (at Bedford Ave.)Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Predators(2010)-The Rare New Movie Review

Despite the way I portrait myself through my internet persona, I do watch new movies on a regular basis. As a homebody, my television is always on. If I'm not watching re-runs from yesteryear or the Travel Channel, chances are my eyes are glued to the screen for a movie. As a "cult" and "genre" movie connoisseur, I am always watching whatever random trash I've picked up at the 99 Cent store or via Netflix. Fortunately, I also have a significant other, and she is not always down with my "eclectic" tastes, so I do tend to spend a great deal of time watching more mainstream movies, typically of the indie and horror variety. I don't write reviews or voice opinions of everything I watch, mostly because of what little image I have to maintain as a film doouche. Kidding. I really just don't think people want to read about how much I enjoyed The Kids Are Alright when there are assholes who get paid to write better and more in depth reviews for such snooty rags as the New York Times and The Village Voice. I write about exploitation and kung-fu flicks, top notch indie is way out of my league.

The same rule typically applies for newer horror movies. Not because I'm one of the shithead horror snobs that proudly vocalizes how much new horror sucks, because I don't feel that way all the time. There has been awesome shit coming out of France and Korea for a couple years now. Its mostly because I don't usually have an interest in writing about something 1000's of people are raving over at the same time period. For me it would just be beating a dead horse.

And now we come to the re-makes, yet another thing I don't typically touch with a 10 foot pole. Usually because the snob comes out in me and I just think the movie is going to be shit, and in a lot of ways I'm usually right. Any other Predator movie I would have never wasted my time on, unless it were the first and second. I couldn't even get through the first AVP because it bored the living daylights out of me, and didn't even touch Requiem because of it. I've done the same for all the Saw and Hostel movies. The first ones couldn't capture my attention, so there is no way the rest of the series could.

I didn't feel the same way when I first heard about Predators(2010). First off, Rodriguez produced it. Yeah, the man is responsible for more than one shitty film, but he can still do no wrong in my eyes. Two, the script was based on the original storyline, so it was going to be like AVP never existed. Last but not least, Danny Trejo. Need I say more? I knew i was probably going to love this film no matter how shitty it was, and I was close to right.

Summary: Eight people find themselves mysteriously transported to am environment they are unfamiliar with. Most are bad asses of some type:black ops, warlords, yakuza, special forces...the entire spectrum of action movie has been covered. With the exception of one, Edwin (played by Topher Grace,who ofrom all appearances is a skinny little sissypants. It doesn't take long to realize why they have been thrown together on what turns out to be and alien world: they have just stepped into the Most Dangerous Game. Only this time the hunters aren't a bunch of bored white guys.

As with any good Predator movie, one-by-one our troop of tough guys get picked off. If you entered this movie not knowing that this is the plot, you probably have an adult supervisor. Some of the kills were fun, but would have been more interesting if CGI wasn't used. I know it's a common complaint from old guys like me, but there is something more organic about the kills is Predator compared to this new ofshoot. It just feels more realistic. Compared to early works of CGI horror, like Blade, Predators looks spectacular, but there is a difference.

The cast was fantastic, and not because they are notable thespians. Quite the opposite actually. With the exception of Fishburne, this was probably the most glorious mix of B and C-listers ever put together. Grace, Trejo, and best of all, Adrien Brody. A man who has flirted with the A List many a time over the last 15 years, and should probably still be schmoozing with the lot of them. A man who has unfortunately made some flawed career choices that prevent him from ever hitting the top again(like working with Argento). A man who you would never expect to be America's next big action hero, but he's going to give it a fighting chance. Brody gained 25 pounds, changed his voice cadence up, and is going for the gold. If he can't be in Apatow's or the Coen Brothers next box office sensation, he might as well try to fill the JCVD/Ah-nold/Rock shoes. That reason alone I found reason enough to give this movie a good letter grade.

Unlike Dinner with Schmucks, this was two hours of my life I will give away freely if it presents itself again. I had few gripes and a lot of fun. It helps to go into not expecting a cultural masterpiece. But because of Brody's over-the-topness, it kind of was in its own right. If it wasn't already available On Demand, I would have forked over the cash to see it in the theater.