Monday, February 23, 2009

The Infamous Turkish Star Wars(1982)

Last night I decided to take a break from my japanese cinema obsession to watch a movie I've been putting off for a long time, Dunyayi kurturan adam, aka Turkish Star Wars. I had only seen Turkish Rambo before as far as turk trash is concerned, so I knew I was in for a ride. Boy, was that the understatement of the year. I felt like a blind man on an old wooden rollercoaster during the course of this chaotic piece of shit.

First off, I really didn't have much of an idea about what the fuck was going on. There wasn't too much plot development as far as I can see, and what I did get was just a mess. Here is what I can piece together. Some evil wizard wants to destroy earth, but in order to do that he must possess a human brain. He launches an assault, and two of our planet's most Heroic Turks (yes, it does state this in the subtitles) must defend the planet against the evil wizards empirical stolen Star Wars footage. Yes that's right, not even stock footage, stolen fucking footage. We see X-wings and Death Stars and all that happy Hoth shit. It's not even a good lift. It looks like they actually filmed in front of a screen showing the bootleg. Fuckin' terrible!

Our Turk heroes eventually end up getting shot down and landing on a world controlled by the evil immortal wizard, this is where the movie starts losing it, and it was 10 minutes in. So from here on out, I will give you some of the many memories that this trashmaster probably left me with for the rest of my living days:

-Not only do we get stolen footage, but we also get stolen scores. Everytime the heroes do battle, the theme to Indiana Jones plays. I don't know what's it's more fitting for. Harrison Ford with a whip, or two middle-aged turks jumping on trampolines.

-Yes I said trampolines. Where as the term "wire-fu" is used to describe some of the cheesier special effects in Hong Kong cinema, I'm going to use the term "tramp-fu" or "turk-fu" to describe the hilarity of action sequences overusing trampoline jump shots. Fuckin' brilliant!

-Fighting muppets. Not only do we get several full-on brawls with human-sized muppets, we also get muppet decapitation and dismemberment. I will never look at Kermit the same way again, and I've still got most of the first season of the Muppet Show to watch. Poor me.

-A special appearance by Robbie the Robot, of Lost in Space fame. Not only is Robbie serving the Evil Wizard, we also get to see his obsolete, robot ass get dismembered like a muppet. "Danger Will Robinson, I have no fucking head!"

-Fucked up religious propaganda. Something about muslims, the peaceful religion of the 13th tribe, being led by Jesus into the mountains during a time of nuclear war. Angels, demons, human brain, bronze.....blah-blah-crock of what-the-fuck-blah. Was Von Daniken hired as a guest writer or what?

-As with any good turkish movie, over-the-top action sequences. I mentioned the trampolines, but what about the sped-up film, the flips, and for some reason,turks doing martial arts better than some HK actors. The crowning achievement was the desert training sequence though. We have turks punching through boulders, tied boulders to there legs and jumping like the incredible hulk, kicking boulders to the point of explosion. Pretty much anything you can think to do with boulders, short of humping, but I'm sure there are some film edits that will never see the light of day.

If you've seen the movie, feel free to add your 2 cents worth in the comment section. This is not a movie that should ever go without discussion, or repeat viewings. As fuckin' retarded as is sounds, and actually is, this is definitely a flick that will see my dvd player more than once. And now let's see if I can dig up a film clip or trailer.

Here we go. The training montage.

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