Sunday, April 26, 2009

Crank: High Voltage.

Holy shit! How do I start this off?! I LOVE bad movies. If I were to list a top five I would probably get this site shut down. I love such bad movies that STEVE even invited me to write for him. Steve likes TRASH and apparently I embarrass HIM to the point where I was Bullied into writing. I have been long awaiting the best opportunity to take up this task have finally found a reason to do so. However I don't believe I will ever have a way to adequately convey through the format of words the awesome cinematic experience I have just gone through.

Crank 2 is epic. I would try and bring up a previous experience in YOUR own life that could come close to or even eclipse the movie I just saw by bringing you back to your first real ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL SHOW, but for all I kno you are into some pussy ass bird-watching music about tree-houses. Naw. If your reading this you are most definitely a connoisseur of depravity its forms and view any daintiness something to be spit upon.

This shit was so fucking belligerent. I have had those experiences. Those foam at the lips on your face with your hands in the AIR while you get your ribs punched and elbowed green an yellow. Those wake up with bruises mornings where all you can do is start drinking coffee in the hopes of getting as amped for sunlight today as you were for fucking STARDOM the night before!!! DESTROY!!!

My Great GODS ABOVE!!! I would punch this review into not just keyboards or walls or cars or bricks or your very own fucking face!!! I was so fucking riled up when I got home that I could have punched this review into a mountain instead of typing it into the night like some kind of quiet person.

I often times find myself trying to create a stir in public. If you walk (or better yet RUN) around screaming SEX AND VIOLENCE it gets a great reaction. Crank Two is more than that. Not just a frenzied shouting of said phrase but the actions contained therein in a most brutal manner! I have never been so close to FUCKING SHIT UP in a public place! I lived in Dens of sin where that shit is a requirement. I have been in PITS in theatres but never before was I tempted to WRECK in a CINEMA! This movie really could only benefit by a live band. I wouldn't be surprised to see it happen down the line. Fuck. I would play that music and jump out of the screen with lightning shooting out of my AWESOME COCK and that movie would not falter one fucking step. Even if I for some reason don't get to do this, this movie does have a really good soundtrack. Mike Patton did a good fucking job on the film score, and whoever chose the music besides got it down just right.

On a more serious note, it was an awesome movie. It made Shoot-Em'-Up look like a Connery Bond movie. It was totally non-stop. The small amount of character development/love interest/melodrama that did happen was put forth in such a ludicrous and outlandish manner that they in no way take away from the pacing of the film. I had a good solid 32 oz. of beer in me by the 45 minute mark and was REALLY pressed to find a suitable time to get up for a piss. You never know when Statham is gonna go flying out of a window or someone is gonna get a gun put to their head. Chev Chellios (Statham) is basically a living GTA. Except crazier. He runs around this movie like a crazed lunatic. He makes NICO Bellic look like Rain Man. To pull a quote from the movie itself, Chellios is "The Sickest most wickedest motherfucker to ever vaporize a motherfucker in cold blood".

The more kinetic moments of Tsukomoto's Tetsuo or Sogo Iishi's Burst city were brought to mind during Chellios' supercharge power ups. That being said, there are tons of other references to hectic pop culture as well. Looking at the fact that he has to power up or die, we see video games as a source for the entire plot. When he is all juiced up he often just runs wherever he needs to go. His fucking feet barely even touch the ground, like Sonic the Hedgehog. He powers up to kill badguys like Pacman. Fuck, at the beginning of the movie he even had a Life-bar. Turtles gotta eat pizza slices, Chevs gotta get juiced too. It got taken in a somewhat more sado-masochistic direction that pizza power this time, but it got my attention.

Horrible bootleg HK action cinema is also referenced by a totally gross Asian hooker that Chellios gets stuck with early on. She talks in broken english that is subtitled and I couldn't help but be reminded of all the terrible fan-subs I have watched.

In any case, I could go on about all types of crazy shit that happens in this movie. There is a strip club shootout that would make Robert Rodriguez puke in his pants. Full body Tourettes, Tatoos, Sushi, TITS! Its all there. The only reason to not be watching this movie is if you are watching the first one.


  1. I have heard nothing but priase for this film for reasons you have mentioned here. I want to see it, but I haven't even seen the first Crank yet--which I hadn't even heard of until the sequel came out. Based on you review I guess I better get on that quickly.

  2. the first crank was ok... this one is awesome... badass and crazy... and very smart... i love it