Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Satan's Cheerleaders(1977)

Since I was but a wee boy during my short life in the 70's, there is very little I can tell you about cinema during the disco days. What I do know I learned later on in life in the form of DVDs and trailer collections. Typically, it's the trailer collections I see that make me want to seek out the movie itself. I love trailer collections. In the last year, I have seen hundreds, I mean hundreds, of trailers. Most of the trailer collections I have come upon are of the grindhouse variety(go figure), and I can honestly say most of the movies advertised are from that coke-and-VD decade known as the 70's. Like with any period of time, you are going to find reoccurring subject matter in a number of movies made within a short amount of time. Call it mockery, flattery, looking for a fast buck, ect, ect...it happened then, it happens now, and it's probably going to keep happening long after we're dust. Monkey see, monkey do. Why create something new when we can just make it over and over until it dies from overkill? Anyway, two of the common themes I've noticed during the mid-70's were satanic worship and cheerleaders. Many movies were made, many of which I have not seen, but how many combined the two subjects? One that I know of, but I'm probably missing a couple, and Satan's Cheerleaders is the title it go's by...big fuckin' surprise!!

I don't really know if I can go ahead and say Satan's Cheerleader's gives either of the two genres it crosses justice, seeing as that I am unfamiliar with both, but i can definitely give it an opinion. First though, a brief synopsis. Billy, the tongue-tied High School janitor, is sick of being kicked around by the student body and life in general. Therefore, with the help of the local cult of hicks-turned-witches, he turns to the aide of the Dark Lord for some respect. All that is required is a virgin sacrifice. So guess who becomes the target? Little does he know that these cheerleaders, or any fuckin' cheerleaders throughout history, aren't exactly pure of body. But he's a fuckin' Satan-worshipping janitor, what the fuck does he know? After a rival cheering squad/football team decide to tee-pee the school, Billy loses it. To make matters worse, he is accused of being a "prevert" by the local football jocks after he is discovered rummaging through the girl's locker room. He, of course, is a perv, but that doesn't mean he likes to be called out. So with the powers of darkness and cick old man fantasies compelling him, he casts a spell before the big game, causing the cheeleading squad to fall into his broom-calloused hands on a deserted country road. Leading the girls to a hidden alter, he proceeds to try to rape one of the head cheerleader, but is struck down by his own Dark Master for reasons unbeknown. the girls, thinking Billy is dead, quest to find the local sheriff to report the death, not knowing that he along with everyone else in the town are also practitioners of the dark arts. the girls are then held captive against there will, for sacrificial purposes. What the cultists don't know is Satan has picked the head cheerleader as one of his own, and she's not going out without a fight.

Satan's Cheerleaders was one of those movies that I only have to see once, or never really had to to begin with. Like many 42nd street classics from the 70's, the trailer is much more entertaining than sitting through 90 minutes of horrible acting, un-entertaining humor, and minimal nudity. That's right kids, minimal nudity, probably 2 minutes worth. It couldn't even redeem itself through the most basic of levels. Not that the actresses were that worth looking at to begin with. But it's supposed to be a cheerleader movie. It wasn't a complete waste of the time though. There were a couple of things I found entertaining:

-How many movies have you seen that have a satanic janitor? Not only does he worship the dark forces, he wears a denim shirt with sequins on it. the character alone is worth the first 20 minutes.

-Old man fistfight. Who doesn't want top see a couple of dudes in there 60's duke it out for Satan. Fucking fantastic!

-John Carradine as the Bum. If you don't know of John Carradine's illustrious B-movie career, you probably don't live in your mom's basement. John has roles in such piles of shit as Astrozombies and Red Zone Cuba, which is a Coleman Francis production and one of the worst movies ever according to IMDB.

-misuse of pagan imagery. Anybody that knows anything about popularized satanism knows the pentacle, all the cultists were rocking, was facing the wrong direction. Come on guys, your not praying to your earth mother for a successful love life. Your worshiping the Prince of Darkness for fuck's sake. Turn your Spencers Gifts-bought pendant upside down and grow a pair!

That's not all, but what more do you need to justify 90 minutes of your life for this piece of shit. I probably would of had more fun if I was drunk, but I decided to be a good boy and stay clear of the booze. Bully for me.

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